When we consider answering the question: “Why so many single African American women?” We have to be prepared to go deep into the soul of the black woman. This means that you have to be willing to understand we as the female gender thrive on the power of love. The problem is love and sex has been totally abused in meaning and behavior.
In writing the first part of this series, one of the readers put extra emphasis on sex being the major reason why there are so many single females today. I can join in agreeing that sexual activity plays a crucial part in this issue but I also feel it is important that it is understood why so much sexual activity.
First of all, large numbers of women have been sexually abused as children. And those who weren’t abused as children experienced some form of sexual abuse as adults. As a result, we have women who have gone through life internally damaged mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. The natural process of discernment and constructive reasoning has been compromised and lost. Intimacy has been identified as some form of retardation in choosing healthy involvement in relationships.
The saddest thing about this reality is that women are not aware they are not being their true and natural selves. If they had not been violated, they would think, feel, process information totally differently. You see, what happens is the real woman is buried deep inside of them and the abused woman decides what will be. This woman does not think logically in fact she does not think much at all. She responds to life because she knows her feelings do not matter, only the feelings for the man she will allow into her body.
An abused woman exists to meet the requirements of others. They are usually very successful because they have learned to wear many masks. You do not get her heart. She does not trust you. How can she trust you when the abusers are usually people she is supposed to trust, her father, neighbor, pastor, etc. She will let you do what you like to her. In fact abused women are some of your most freaky women. They learned how to please others in the most unnatural circumstances. That is one of the reasons why young girls turn on older males.
They grew up fast sexually and mentally in getting pleasures fulfilled even if they didn’t want to do it. Their fulfillment is in getting it done. Being sexually desired makes them feel special and their ability to deliver reinforces it.
Many abused women have children because they have learned this to be a safe way of being loved. Though the claim is a desire to be loved by a man, on the other hand deep down they do not feel it is possible. There is a tug of war going on that pushes them away from any possibilities of true intimacy.
Natural tendencies are developed early in life. People would be amazed how different they would be if they were brought up in a healthy environment. Molested women and men struggle daily wondering who he or she could have been if this experience had not happened to them. This makes them feel unworthy of true love. Yet, again, it is desired but practically hopeless.
Unconsciously, they exist with no conscious of knowing their true selves. Having sex because it was their first experience of intimacy and being desired. Relationships destroy them and the other person involved. Each departs with scares that the next person they meet must endure. The vicious cycle continues leaving people alienated from potential real love.
Sex---love, sex----love, the meaning is tarnished because no one knows what the other is saying.

Why so many single black women?

I find it quite interesting how the world is so curios to know why there are so many single black women. There are many reasons for this dilemma. The thing that baffles me about the whole thing is why people are going there. It is not like if they had the answers the reality of the fact is not going away.

What would you expect to happen when we as African American people had no plan for ourselves when we were set free. There was no bible of life for us to follow as we emerged into White America. The freed slaves lacked the ability to see themselves as one race of people. Foreigners enter this country with a plan to remain authentic and true to their culture. Some take on the white American ways to survive but their hearts are known to be in their culture.

As we emerged into this new opportunity, we gave up our natural identity to not only survive but to live the life of the so-called American dream. Beginning with our hair, women straighten it so much now that it is almost more straighter than other nationalities who hair is naturally straight. Where men do straighten their hair at times, many rid themselves of the natural kinky hair by shaving their heads early in life instead of allowing balding to come as a natural process. In a sense everything about us had to go. And when we began this process, the potential for natural bonding was destroyed. Not only did we kill ourselves physically but soulfully as well. The African American people lack a foundation to survive as a constructive race of people in White America.

Man look at woman and woman look at man not knowing how to naturally connect to one another. Who or what they see is not natural. It is like they are looking at aliens. When the reality starts to kick in, we do a fast turn away because the reality is too painful and u forgivable. We are looking at each other through eyes that do not belong to us. We punish one another because of fear.

This is part one of my series revealing why so many single black women.

"All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident."

Arthur Schopenhauer

As I look back over my life I am reminded of how much people loved one another.  Girls and boys could be the best of friends without having sex.  I am not ruling out the activity of sex during that time but it did not rule over the heart as it does today.

We are finding more and more sexual activity is taking place among our youths at a younger and younger age.  Also with this growing number, we find sexual activity multiplying among the same sexual preferences.  With that, we also see an outrage of infidelity.  What is all of this telling us?  Very simple, we are not developing our total selves.  The physical self is ruling and it is doing so with no conscious of morality.  No one wants to admit the human race has lost touch with its purpose to exist.  When you have no program, heathen tendencies rule our conscious.  We were created to love one another unconditionally.

Why sex?  I had to ask myself this question knowing I too have in my lifetime experienced revealing my nakedness to a man for the first time knowing just maybe I should not do this.  But I completed the mission with no thought of the risks.  Why?  Because in that moment I and so many other people allow the adrenalin rush to bond with another human overtake our logic.  It is just that simple.  We dive in hoping for something magical, special, bonding and at times proof that love is possible.  The very act itself promises no bed of roses only hope that maybe just maybe we are special to someone or we just downright need to feel something, something we do not experience outside of this experience.

What we are seeking is a conscious connection to someone.  We need love a love that makes us feel alive and appreciated.  When we surrender to this quickening, we are escaping the alienated world we exist in.  Love is so rare and seldom felt that we lose touch with the sensations that make it special between two people.  It is easier to search for each other under the sheets instead of above water face to face.  The natural tendencies to feel the needs and desires of one another have been savored due to selfishness and self seeking to survive in a world that hates love.

Sex without the spirit of love is void.  People keep indulging in the act like a crack head looking to recapture the first euphoric moment of ecstasy.  They roam from partner to partner hoping for a fulfillment that only God can fill.  You see God is love and love is God.  It is a far more than an orgasmic experience.  The orgasmic experience only reveals a false and temporal fulfillment in comparison to experiencing the reality of God.  Whether we acknowledge God or not, human nature will seek gratification because there is something in them that desires its Creator, because God put that desire there at birth.  You may think you need a sexual fix.  It is not that, it is God calling you to experience His reality.

Lonely people sleep together every night.  They have sex and experience an unfulfilled that not even they understand.  At times they will creep on their partner thinking he or she is not delivering when in reality no human can deliver fulfillment but God.  Without God, a destructive force rules our sexual indulgence.  This is why diseases and unwanted children are spreading like wild fire.  All the outcomes are evidence of a lack of love.  We are moving too fast to see.  This is how the world controls our choices.  The first step in saving ourselves is to be still and know we belong to God.  WITHOUT LOVE, SEX IS JUST FALSE HOPE FOR IT.  Yes, we are a world of love starved people.

Love is something that always held my interest even when I was a child.  Something about that word makes us react from within.  Some people become emotional and react gently towards their loved one while others have proven to react violently to those words.  What is it about love that reminds us we are human?  It is a universal word seldom defined by two people yet desired to be heard.  As I go into the years of my life I am finding love to be a word that is spoken freely without any accountability of its meaning.  I feel this is why people are so misunderstood by one another.  “I love you” were words that was suppose to build us up and give us strength to exist in a world of difficulty; yet in reality, we are learning those words are not delivering results that make this world a better place.  Why is that?

Yesterday while I was having dinner with my son, Marcus we found it interesting that we both have learned our feelings are not equated in our identity when we are involved in relationships.  We found it to be a dilemma to how someone can say he or she loves us and find no interest in our feelings especially those that make us happy.  I wondered when someone says he or she loves you; do you really understand what is being said?

Someone shared with me their lack of not understanding why a woman he is willing to provide for along with her illegitimate child would find it an inconvenience to not go to the store and buy him some socks knowing he needed them.  Then, someone shared with me that it is not understood why someone would not join them in going to the store after being asked by the one she supposedly loves.  It was amazing to realize people say I love you quite freely but their actions say something different.  Why would a man you may not see for months on end leave your state and return to his not honoring a simple request of leaving his fragrance on your pillow?  How can a woman knowing her fiancée’ is heading to Iraq refuse his call prior to him leaving the country simply because she is busy doing hair?  What keeps people from being conscious of other people's feelings especially when they supposedly love you? 

This dilemma is not uncommon.  In fact it is very common.  People who would rather not be alone allow the one they love to not fulfill their needs.  Years go by and one is happy while the other is unhappy.  Many affairs result as a result of accepting less than you deserve from a relationship.  If someone tells you he or she loves you, what is it that is being loved.  If it is not your feelings and thoughts that make you who you are, then what is it that someone loves about you?

I am sure we all have been told "I love you" and found these words to make us feel special and willing to share more of ourselves with others.  But do we really understand what it really means?  Universally speaking, I am coming to learn these powerful words mean there is something in you I can incorporate into my life.   I can overlook the aspects of you I do not like.  And, I am willing to share my space with you if you are willing to share your space with me.  Is this enough for a special relationship?  You tell me.