When we consider answering the question: “Why so many single African American women?” We have to be prepared to go deep into the soul of the black woman. This means that you have to be willing to understand we as the female gender thrive on the power of love. The problem is love and sex has been totally abused in meaning and behavior.
In writing the first part of this series, one of the readers put extra emphasis on sex being the major reason why there are so many single females today. I can join in agreeing that sexual activity plays a crucial part in this issue but I also feel it is important that it is understood why so much sexual activity.
First of all, large numbers of women have been sexually abused as children. And those who weren’t abused as children experienced some form of sexual abuse as adults. As a result, we have women who have gone through life internally damaged mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. The natural process of discernment and constructive reasoning has been compromised and lost. Intimacy has been identified as some form of retardation in choosing healthy involvement in relationships.
The saddest thing about this reality is that women are not aware they are not being their true and natural selves. If they had not been violated, they would think, feel, process information totally differently. You see, what happens is the real woman is buried deep inside of them and the abused woman decides what will be. This woman does not think logically in fact she does not think much at all. She responds to life because she knows her feelings do not matter, only the feelings for the man she will allow into her body.
An abused woman exists to meet the requirements of others. They are usually very successful because they have learned to wear many masks. You do not get her heart. She does not trust you. How can she trust you when the abusers are usually people she is supposed to trust, her father, neighbor, pastor, etc. She will let you do what you like to her. In fact abused women are some of your most freaky women. They learned how to please others in the most unnatural circumstances. That is one of the reasons why young girls turn on older males.
They grew up fast sexually and mentally in getting pleasures fulfilled even if they didn’t want to do it. Their fulfillment is in getting it done. Being sexually desired makes them feel special and their ability to deliver reinforces it.
Many abused women have children because they have learned this to be a safe way of being loved. Though the claim is a desire to be loved by a man, on the other hand deep down they do not feel it is possible. There is a tug of war going on that pushes them away from any possibilities of true intimacy.
Natural tendencies are developed early in life. People would be amazed how different they would be if they were brought up in a healthy environment. Molested women and men struggle daily wondering who he or she could have been if this experience had not happened to them. This makes them feel unworthy of true love. Yet, again, it is desired but practically hopeless.
Unconsciously, they exist with no conscious of knowing their true selves. Having sex because it was their first experience of intimacy and being desired. Relationships destroy them and the other person involved. Each departs with scares that the next person they meet must endure. The vicious cycle continues leaving people alienated from potential real love.
Sex---love, sex----love, the meaning is tarnished because no one knows what the other is saying.

As I look back over my life I am reminded of how much people loved one another.  Girls and boys could be the best of friends without having sex.  I am not ruling out the activity of sex during that time but it did not rule over the heart as it does today.

We are finding more and more sexual activity is taking place among our youths at a younger and younger age.  Also with this growing number, we find sexual activity multiplying among the same sexual preferences.  With that, we also see an outrage of infidelity.  What is all of this telling us?  Very simple, we are not developing our total selves.  The physical self is ruling and it is doing so with no conscious of morality.  No one wants to admit the human race has lost touch with its purpose to exist.  When you have no program, heathen tendencies rule our conscious.  We were created to love one another unconditionally.

Why sex?  I had to ask myself this question knowing I too have in my lifetime experienced revealing my nakedness to a man for the first time knowing just maybe I should not do this.  But I completed the mission with no thought of the risks.  Why?  Because in that moment I and so many other people allow the adrenalin rush to bond with another human overtake our logic.  It is just that simple.  We dive in hoping for something magical, special, bonding and at times proof that love is possible.  The very act itself promises no bed of roses only hope that maybe just maybe we are special to someone or we just downright need to feel something, something we do not experience outside of this experience.

What we are seeking is a conscious connection to someone.  We need love a love that makes us feel alive and appreciated.  When we surrender to this quickening, we are escaping the alienated world we exist in.  Love is so rare and seldom felt that we lose touch with the sensations that make it special between two people.  It is easier to search for each other under the sheets instead of above water face to face.  The natural tendencies to feel the needs and desires of one another have been savored due to selfishness and self seeking to survive in a world that hates love.

Sex without the spirit of love is void.  People keep indulging in the act like a crack head looking to recapture the first euphoric moment of ecstasy.  They roam from partner to partner hoping for a fulfillment that only God can fill.  You see God is love and love is God.  It is a far more than an orgasmic experience.  The orgasmic experience only reveals a false and temporal fulfillment in comparison to experiencing the reality of God.  Whether we acknowledge God or not, human nature will seek gratification because there is something in them that desires its Creator, because God put that desire there at birth.  You may think you need a sexual fix.  It is not that, it is God calling you to experience His reality.

Lonely people sleep together every night.  They have sex and experience an unfulfilled that not even they understand.  At times they will creep on their partner thinking he or she is not delivering when in reality no human can deliver fulfillment but God.  Without God, a destructive force rules our sexual indulgence.  This is why diseases and unwanted children are spreading like wild fire.  All the outcomes are evidence of a lack of love.  We are moving too fast to see.  This is how the world controls our choices.  The first step in saving ourselves is to be still and know we belong to God.  WITHOUT LOVE, SEX IS JUST FALSE HOPE FOR IT.  Yes, we are a world of love starved people.

Chapter Fifteen

“You’re going to be sorry, Leona,” Sarah said as I got dressed.

I took a quick shower and put on my favorite blue jeans and a white sleeveless blouse. I felt kind of pretty. I even put on lipstick with a little blush. I combed my hair back and put it in a ponytail to the side.

When we got to the bonfire, it was crowded with a lot of couples sitting close together. Some of the girls were sitting on the boys’ laps. I was amazed at how large the fire was. It crackled and popped as it lit up all the faces of the teens gathered around having a good time.

I started getting a little nervous when I realized that just about everybody was smoking weed and cigarettes. I even noticed them passing wine around from person to person, drinking straight from the bottle. When the bottle came to me, I just passed it on to the next person without a second thought.

“Tony, you call this fun?” I asked.

“We don’t have to stay here. Let’s go to my place. I want you to meet my puppy. I just got her a week ago. You want to do that instead?” Tony asked.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I said.

“My mom is home if that’s what you’re worried about. Come on, Leona,” he said.

When we got to his house, his mother was just closing the front door.

“Tony, I’ll be back in a couple of hours. I’m going over Linda’s house to play cards. Who is that cute little girl with you?” she asked.

“Leona, this is my mom. Mom this is Leona,” Tony said.

“How do you like it here so far?”

“So far, I’ve had a good time,” I said.

“Make yourself at home. Nice meeting you,” Tony’s mom said.

Their house was small but very well taken care of. Everything was neatly in place. Deep blue furniture and plush carpet made the living room look rich. Mirrored pictures were perfectly placed on the walls. The house had a real fireplace that had a small fire burning. Just when we were about to sit on the couch, Tony’s puppy ran and jumped up on his lap.

I wasn’t really a dog lover, but his puppy was really cute. It was a black toy puddle with two little red bows tied behind each ear. She was so tiny I could hold her in one hand.

“How’s my little lady?” Tony said to the puppy as he ran his hands through her curly fur.

“She is cute, Tony,” I said hoping he would put her away soon.

With her in his arms, he got up and turned on the stereo and went into the kitchen. He came back without the puppy. He had two tall glasses in his hands.

“Hey, I made us a couple of strawberry drinks with a hint of brandy,” Tony said.

“I don’t drink,” I said.

“This is so good; you won’t taste a drop of alcohol. I promise. Just taste it, if you don’t like it, you don’t have to drink it,” he said.

I took a sip and braced myself for the awful burn of the alcohol.

Surprsingly, it was pretty good so I decided to keep drinking. We sat on the couch and listened to some nice and slow music and watched the fire burn in the fireplace. He gently placed his arm around my shoulder and my head rested comfortably on his chest. I got a little tense at first, but slowly allowed myself to relax into him.

He began to massage my shoulder with his hand and I jumped up off the couch so fast I knocked off my glass onto his nice clean carpet.

My hand clamped over my mouth. “I’m so sorry.”

Tony chuckled. “It’s okay.”

I looked around the room frantically for anything to soak up the crimson liquid that was quickly seeping into the carpet.

Tony got up and went into the kitchen, reappearing with a towel and a bottle of carpet cleaner.

He bent down and started scrubbing the stain. “I can’t begin to tell you how many stains I’ve had to get out of this carpet.”

“Where’s your bathroom,” I asked, willing myself not to pass out on the carpet I had just ruined.

“Down the hall on the left,” he said.

Once in the bathroom, I looked in the mirror. My eyes looked like I might fall asleep at any moment. There was a grin on my face like I had never seen. I started rubbing my hands on my hair. Unfamiliar sensations darted through my body. After emptying my bladder, I splashed some water on my face and went back to the living room.

“What took you so long, beautiful?” Tony asked as he met me at the bathroom door.

“Did I take that long?” I said with a soft voice.

“Come here; I want to show you something,” Tony said as he grabbed me by the arm and walked me farther down the hall.

“This is my favorite room in the house. You like it?”

Not wanting to go all the way in the room, I peeked into his bedroom. It was like something I had never seen before. The walls were deep red with white trim. Then there was a big round bed that sat right in the middle of the room. It was covered with a red crushed velvet bedspread. His ceiling was made out of mirrors. The room smelled really nice. It was some kind of man’s cologne that reminded me of musk oil.

Tony got real playful then. He actually picked me up off the floor and threw me on the bed. When I hit the bed, I sank right in the middle of it and bounced back to the surface. My head started to swim, and then I just started laughing and couldn’t stop. It was a waterbed. He stretched out next to me on the bed. We both laid there with the waves undulating under our backs, looking up at the mirrored ceiling.

“This is awesome. I love your room,” I said with a smile.

He put his hand in mine and with his other arm he pulled me into his body. He wrapped his leg around me and just held me. Tony took my hair out of its ponytail and began to stroke my hair slowly.

My heart was slamming against my ribcage it was beating so hard. I could barely breathe. I wanted to jump up and bolt out of his house and never look back.

Gently, he put his hand on my chin and turned my face toward him. He looked at me like he could see right through me. He rubbed my face and brought his closer to mine. I turned my head but he turned my face gently back towards him. My hand reached to grab his arm and move it, but when I grabbed it I had forgot why I even touched him.

Tony was very quiet and I didn’t know how to break the silence.

My arms were already bare and Tony began to rub my arms slowly. I felt every finger on each hand against my skin. He unbuttoned my blouse, and when it came open, my nipples on my small breasts got hard and tingly.

I inhaled sharply as I felt the coolness of the air on my exposed skin.

“I’m sorry, Leona. I shouldn’t be doing this,” he finally said.

“Doing what?”

“You know what I want,” he said. “Ever since I saw your hips in those jeans, I’ve wanted to have sex with you. I’m not going to lie about it.”

I sat up and pulled my shirt closed. I felt around on the bed for my ponytail holder.

He reached over and touched my hand, causing me to pull away.

“Leona, I thought I was going all the way with you. But there is something about you that won’t let me do it. When I looked in your eyes a while ago, I thought I was looking at an angel. I really thought I saw a real angel.”

All I could manage was a meek smile. On the inside I felt like I had been hit by a bus. Not only was Sarah right, but I was also rejected. I wasn’t sure how to feel about what had just happened.

“I better get you back to your room before Papa Bear starts looking for his cub,” he said with a smile.

“Okay.”

When we got to my room, Tony walked me to the door then he reached out for my hand and kissed it softly.

“Thanks for giving me a special night, Leona.”

“Thanks for making me feel special,” I said.

I sighed and leaned back against the door, but almost fell through when it was yanked open behind me.

“I heard y’all out there! I know what special means. You had sex didn’t you?” Sarah demanded.

“Girl, what is wrong with you? You shouldn’t have been trying to listen to us in the first place. And what does special have to do with sex anyway?”

“My Daddy told me I was his special little girl; that’s why my momma hates me. It is sex, Leona!” Sarah said with a slur in her voice.

“You’ve been drinking, Sarah! Look at you!” I yelled.

I couldn’t figure out how she got drunk. I looked around the room and found an open bottle of wine, and then I saw some boy’s tennis shoes halfway under the bed. Now, I could hear whistling in the bathroom. It was Darnel. He had come over right after Tony and I left.

“Leona I didn’t expect you back this soon. It usually takes Tony all night with the chicks. What are you doing back already? You must have locked your legs on him,” he said.

Horrified by what I was seeing, I could only stare at Darnel in his bikini underwear.

“Oh, no, Sarah, you just tell me you didn’t do anything, and we can put this behind us.”

Sarah put on her sad puppy dog expression and said, “What did you expect? You left me all by myself, Leona. Darnel came by to see if I changed my mind. Well, I didn’t, so he stayed with me.

I was about to start cussing both of them out when Sarah started laughing and yelled, “Gotcha! You thought I did it, didn’t you! Ha! Ha!” she laughed.

“Where is Monique?” I asked, angry and suspicious now.

“She’s staying all night at the camp,” Sarah answered.

“Hey, Darnel, you got to go. My daddy is right next door,” I said.

Darnel put his clothes on in front of us and as he took a long swig of wine, he wiped his mouth and started laughing.

“Cool, I’m ready to go anyway. Sarah is a trip. All she did was worry about you like you were her girlfriend or something,” he said.

Sarah just sat on the floor. As soon as Darnel walked out the door, I headed right over to where she was sitting. Her clothes were half on and off, her hair was messed up, and she nodded in and out. For the first time, she looked ugly to me—blood shot eyes, dry skin and bad breath just didn’t make me feel close to her right now. I see why parents want to whip their kids’ butts sometimes.

“You better take a shower before you go to bed. You stink and look horrible,” I said.

“Leona, are you mad at me?” Sarah asked.

“No, I’m not mad at you, fool! No, I take that back. I am mad at you,” I said.

“I didn’t do anything. We were just playing!”

“Playing what, Sarah?”

“He was just trying to make me take off all my clothes so that he could make me feel special. It was fun and I really liked it. But it reminded me of my daddy’s game, so I stopped playing,” Sarah said.

“What game did you and your daddy play?” I asked.

Suddenly, it got real quiet. Sarah didn’t say a word; then she burst out crying. She placed her hands on her face and slobber started easing out of her mouth. She started crying, so I didn’t ask her any more questions. I was afraid of the truth and she was afraid to say it. I helped her to the bed. I had to leave the room.

I went into the bathroom to start my shower. I got undressed in the bathroom. I allowed the water to flow just enough with only hot water to create a steam room affect. I entered the shower and leaned my body back against the wall and closed my eyes.

There were a lot of things on my mind. Tony had seen my mother and Mark. They were right here in town and I needed to find them, and I needed to decide how to approach Daddy about it. I didn’t want anybody’s feelings to get hurt, especially Mark’s feelings. I knew I had to be careful about how I handled this. Tony made it seem like Daddy played a big part in their disappearance.

Then there was Sarah; I just didn’t want to believe her father was having sex with her. That would mean she was not a virgin anymore. We swore by our virginity when we really wanted to prove something that we strongly believed in, like crossing your heart or swearing on your mom.

The hot dripping of the water caused me to sweat. The water beads rolled down my forehead and ran down my body. I was feeling my way around to change the water temperature and grab my soap and washcloth then I felt a soapy washcloth glide across my chest. It startled me so much that I jumped and almost fell in the shower.

“It’s just me, Leona. I hope you don’t mind. I needed a shower too, at least that’s what you told me,” Sarah said.

I didn’t know what to say; I was shocked. I opened my eyes to a naked female body. Sarah stood in front of me with this nest of hair hiding her privates. I just looked at it. I had no idea hair grew like that down there.

“It’s just hair, Leona. It won’t bite,” she chuckled as she covered her body with soap and water.

I was locked in position. I tried to make my body run out of the shower, but my curiosity made me stay. I tried to cover up my private parts with my tiny little washcloth. Sarah laughed at me again. It was obvious her mind was made up; she was staying in the shower.

Sarah adjusted the showerhead so that it was more forceful and balanced the hot and cold to create a perfect flow of water.

“Don’t pay me any attention; just take your shower like I’m not even here,” Sarah said as she continued splashing water all over herself.

I just stood there and looked. She had curves I had never seen before. Her body was beautiful.

I wondered how boys saw her.

Did they really see her beauty or did they just want to touch her?

No sooner than I had that thought, Sarah stopped washing her body and began washing mine. I wanted to stop her, but then I didn’t want to stop her. I wanted to know why it felt better for her to wash my body than it did for me to do it.

As she covered my whole body with suds, I realized that what I felt was familiar; these were old feelings from when I was bathed by grown people. Each stroke of the washcloth wiped away tension that I didn’t know I had.

I had to admit, it was the best shower I ever had. Sarah was still a little giggly from the wine. I had never seen her so happy and beautiful before. Sarah was caught up in her own world. It just so happened I was part of the scenery.

It didn’t seem to matter that we both were standing naked in the shower together. More things were happening to me. I was seeing myself differently. For the first time in my life, I could say my body was okay and it was not some monstrosity to hide from the world. Instead, it was God’s gift for me to accept.

Sarah almost fell twice. I caught her and held her right between my arms and her head just fell on my shoulder. She put her arms around me, and our bodies touched. I gently used both of my hands to pull us apart.

This was probably how wonderful life was for us when we were babies. Touch made us alive and gentle. The older we got, the less touching we got. No wonder people walk around always needing something and they have no idea what it is. As I stood in the shower with drunken Sarah I felt like I had been born again.

When I stepped out of the shower, I grabbed Sarah and wrapped her up in a towel. I helped dry her off and I pulled her nightgown over her head then I guided her to my bed because her bed was a sloppy mess. Sleeping in it was out of the question.

Thank God Monique was gone for the night.

“Thank you, Leona, for taking care of me,” Sarah said.

“Okay, take your butt to sleep,” I said.

As I put lotion on, I felt the softness of my own skin. I never realized how smooth it was and in the beauty of its color and texture; even the few hairs on my skin were beautiful. I hugged myself and promised to love myself forever.

“Are you all right over there?” Daddy asked as he knocked on the door.

“Yes, we’re going to bed now. Goodnight, Daddy,” I said.

I quietly slipped into the bed, hoping to not awaken Sarah. As soon as I covered myself up with the covers, she rolled right next to me. I left her there.

She was just a big overgrown baby who needed shelter.

BRITNEY SPEARS' SISTER PREGNANT AT AGE SIXTEEN was one of the latest headlines flashing across our television and internet screens. The thing that stays in my mind is the grin on this sixteen-year-old child's face. What do she think was accomplished? Was it the certainty of gaining even greater coverage from the media? Or that just maybe this child is excited about having someone to love and need her?

People tend to look at things differently when it is a celebrity choosing less than best for themselves than the large numbers of non celebrities doing the same things. Whether you are a celebrity or not, children deserve to be born into the world under better conditions. Having a large bank account does not qualify you to be a great parent no more than having a strong body to carry a child in poverty. The examples celebrities are displaying today is assisting in the destruction of family values. This alone creates a future for our children of being confused and desperate in their search to understand the meaning of life.

The American Idol Show had a winner,Fantasia Barrino, the only one so far selected to have their life story told many times on live television. She was a young lady struggling with an illegitimate child. The story ends on a positive note after much struggling and embarrassment. Glamor, fortune and fame was her rewards. This is a fantasy world for the millions who will not even know who the father of their children are due to continued thoughtless sexual choices. Even Oprah and her millions are not exempted from the price of ignoring the Word of God. Marriage was set up for a reason. Live-in companions is a worldly institution contrary to the laws found in the Bible.  This acceptance has created far too many single-parented homes leading to children with no father or heritage. Instead, the world has more women enveloped in tough skin lacking the ability to love graciously as virtuous women of God.

We are not being painted a true picture of the consequences of our choices. A celebrity does not make a wrong right. It is wrong to set up a life style contrary to the word of God. This type of irresponsibility is an abomination to God. And if you don't want to take it there it is a catalyst to the destruction of humanity. The media will have us believe this is acceptable behavior because a large part of the media is ruled by people who care less about integrity, dignity, righteousness and the spirituality of the human soul. They have celebrities over compensating their lack of real and raw talent with negative publicity. Not all celebrities fall in this category only those who lack spiritual values leading to best. What little sister Spears is learning about family is not a good thing.

Sex has become the main connection of feeling alive for most humans because love is not a priority. We are becoming less than animals in the care of our young.

Spears Are Only One Example:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,297107,00.html

If I had a daughter I would tell her to understand she is a gift from God. I would instill that in her from the day she is born. There would be no competition between us as far as winning daddy’s affections or proving I am the better female. I would tell her there was a time it was considered a curse to have a daughter verses having a son. But that time is over because now the female child can be adored, respected and looked upon as intelligent.

I would tell her to always know she is a unique creation of God and God is something or someone deep in her heart. I would teach her to value this invisible presence at all times and to shield it from the temptations of the world. First and foremost she must always understand that boys are totally different than girls in more ways than just physical. I would let her know each year of her life requires a different understanding of the male species.

First of all, the boy is a hunter and he thrives to satisfy his senses. It is human nature for him to desire to devour her body but it does not mean you should surrender it to him, especially when God is your first love. I would teach her to understand it is normal to feel sensations in her distinguished female areas of her body that the male yearns to touch and explore. But understand this is human nature. This urgency is the continuation of the human species. Know precious daughter it is not your responsibility to give your body away for this natural process. The alluring of the eyes of the beholder and his strong desire to have you is no different than what happens with the animals in the jungle. It is called mating to bring forth life.

True, it appears romantic and magical when you read about it or watch it on TV. This is just a smoke screen to sedate you as your soul, spirit and relationship with God is compromised for a moment of lustful fulfillment. Once the sperm is released, things are never the same because God was not in it and He was put on hold while your self-value is dropped. Before you take off those panties, remember you are not alone. God is there and hoping He is chosen over satisfying the lusts of the flesh of another.

Once you have allowed yourself to become naked before the eyes of a male, you risk the chance of being an instrument for sexual pleasure and never seen as a flower again. The boys share their experiences with one another as though their experience was a just reward for all their efforts for cunning you into his bed. Virginity is special for it represents oneness with God. God has something for you when you wait for your mate and trust Him to choose him for you.

There are other things going on in life for God’s children besides sweating between sheets. There is much to be done in bringing light into a world where God was not considered instead of sex. The outcome is greed, lust, drugs, sexual abuse and hate. All just because one girl, someone’s daughter did not value herself as a child of God. Honor yourself. See the opposite sex as a means to exercise spiritual truth not sexual arousal for the outcome is illegitimate children and a cry for the father to be in their lives. Go in to the world knowing God is with you always. If only someone had told them.

Love is real. It is not based on being wanted and needed. It is based on a silent knowingness that together we can make a difference in this world. My daughter, your most important homework assignment is finding out whom or what God is and living it each day of your life.